Having great sex while being in a long-term relationship can be a challenge. So here are a few ideas to help you see that it can be done.
OK, so here’s the deal. The secret to making sex last in a long-term relationship is – there is no secret.
Sure, I could go down the ‘10 ways to spice up your love life’ path. Suggestive questions like, ‘Why not use a blindfold to add a sense of excitement?’ could be offered. But really – does anyone believe that stuff anymore? (Apart from the five people who went to see ‘50 Shades of Grey’).
Sex is complicated.
A lot of moving parts (erm) are involved. Two complex, multi-faceted beings coming together physically, emotionally and mentally in a way that is stimulating, exciting and ultimately rewarding for both parties, is no easy feat to accomplish.
Add to that, the daily dreariness that is everyday life, multiple it by a few years (or decades) together – and no wonder sex in a long-term relationship can pose a challenge.
With these reasons and realities in mind, it quickly becomes clear that there is no magic one-size-fits-all solution here. What works for some, doesn’t even apply to others. So it’s not so much about finding absolute solutions, as it is about exploring options.
Here are a couple of scenarios that you might like to consider.
Sex drives go up – and down
Contrary to the tired old stereotype that gay guys are in a state of constant heat, some guys just aren’t that into sex – or at least go through periods of time when sex just isn’t a big priority. I know, the shock and the horror of it all. But it’s true.
Levels of sexual desire vary within our community. It’s just that the lower end of the spectrum doesn’t get anywhere near as much attention.
There are any number of reasons why a person may not be into sex at any given point in time. It’s highly likely that they’re not about you – or about any one thing in fact. But mismatched sex drives can be an issue in a relationship.
A good place to start is just to have awareness of this fact. So often, we get ourselves hooked on expectations and notions of what we should be doing, and how often we should be doing it.
Sex drives vary and fluctuate over time. That’s perfectly natural. In a long-term relationship, there may be dry periods, as well as periods of proverbial flood. It’s all OK.
Keeping the lines of communication open is the best way to find out what’s really going on with your partner, or letting them know what’s going on with you.
Often times, lack of sex drive is a symptom of another issue. Work stress, family stress, any kind of stress really. So the key to getting more action might be to resolve a completely non-sex related issue. In any case, it’s worth a try.
Turn off social media
To turn on your sex life, you might need to turn off your social media.
Those hot Instagay couples with ripped bodies eating a pizza on a yacht. (How can they eat pizza and still have an 8 pack, what am I missing?) Those cute couples waking up in a perfectly organised bedroom, having coffee in bed – and NOT spilling it everywhere. Chances are, those people are having just as much – or just as little – sex as you are.
Social media is great, but it does blur the line between perception and reality. This can then lead to having hyper-expectations about the way we should look, where we should be, what we should be eating – and how often we should be having sex.
Maybe those guys taking shirtless selfies in bed, turn the light off and actually go to sleep once they’ve uploaded that picture? Maybe they had a huge fight with their partner about not looking right in the image? Who knows – but it’s worth keeping reality in mind when scrolling through our social feeds.
Turn your social media off for a little while and just notice the difference in how you feel. Then, turn that attention towards yourself and your partner. Reconnect with what you’re seeing, feeling and experiencing in the moment.
Tuning in to the moment is a good way to turn on and ignite those sexy sparks. It’s a small change, but it can have a big impact.
Bad sex happens to good people
It’s OK to have bad sex once in a while. At some stage, it happens to all of us. It might not even be a one off thing. You can fall into a sexual funk (repetition, boredom, falling asleep :-) Whatever it might be, it’s OK not to have mind blowing sex every single time.
When sex is going south, we tend to get serious about it. This can actually be a bit counterproductive. Getting serious about it prevents us from seeing the lighter side of it.
If you change your mindset from ‘Oh my God this is the worst thing in the world’, to ‘Hey, one day we’ll look back on this and laugh’, it can change things around. Dramatically. Just make sure you’re laughing with each other, not at each other.
At the end of the day…
Sex is a wonderful, beautiful, messy, confusing wave of emotions. If sex issues are coming up for you in your long-term relationship, then deal with them they way you would any other issue that comes up. Talk about them.
You’re in a relationship with someone you love. You want them to be happy. They want you to be happy. There’s no need to look for a magic cure because there isn’t one. Talk it out – and then at least you’ll know where you stand, and where you’re going.
Sometimes, the one thing standing between you and the best sex of your life could be something as simple as a simple conversation.